I am not Vanilla. I am Steel

Kristel Kongas
Jan 14
3 min read

I’ve spent the recent years in leadership roles — building teams, shaping strategy, and carrying responsibility. On paper, experience should bring certainty. And yet, there are moments when certainty slips, replaced by a quiet, unsettling feeling.

Feeling… imposterous.

This isn’t about me not knowing my worth. I do. I understand my professional track record and know my financial net worth. Beyond that, I carry accumulated human capital — an asset that compounds through education, degrees, certifications, licenses, and experience, and transfers across contexts.

So why does this feeling still creep in?

Imposter Syndrome Isn’t Lack of Skills

Imposter syndrome is not about lacking skills, intelligence, or experience; it's about feeling like a fraud.

The term imposter phenomenon was first identified by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, who observed that many accomplished professionals — especially women — struggled with a persistent belief that they didn’t deserve their success and would eventually be “found out.”

Later studies have shown that:

Up to 70% of people experience imposter feelings at some point in their careers;
It disproportionately affects leaders, specialists, and people in transition;
It often intensifies during periods of change, promotion, or uncertainty.

In other words, imposter syndrome usually doesn’t show up when things are stable. It shows when the ground shifts.

The Root of It

I know where my own imposter feelings are rooted. I’ve been made redundant five times.

Not from junior roles — but mostly from management-level positions.

When companies struggle, leadership roles — especially higher-paid, non-client-facing ones — are often reframed as liabilities rather than assets. In crisis mode, organizations prioritize immediate delivery. Strategy, long-term thinking, people leadership — those don’t always survive short-term financial pressure.

At that moment, you become a row in Excel. Often the heaviest one.The one with the most immediate impact on the bottom line. Crossing it, IMO, is usually short-sighted, but yet effective in the short term.

So when imposter feelings surface in these moments, they are actually not a reflection of reality. They are a curved mirror reflection of how the brain processes disruption.

It doesn’t store facts. It stores patterns.

And the pattern says: “At some point, you were not needed.”

That message lands. Quietly. Deeply. Uncomfortably.

Over time, it erodes grounding. You are still capable, still qualified. But your nervous system remembers instability.

Steven Bartlett, a known author and podcaster, reframes imposter syndrome as growth syndrome — the discomfort that naturally arises when you step into new terrain. When you stretch beyond what’s familiar, your confidence lags behind your competence.

It’s Not Imposter Syndrome — It’s Being Unanchored

I’ve spent time trying to decode what this feeling actually is and what it means for me. It is not imposter syndrome. I call it being unanchored.

It feels like your feet aren’t fully touching the ground. Like standing on an unstable surface. Like breathing air that isn’t quite clear. You’re moving, functioning, delivering — but still not fully grounded.

Here’s the hard truth I’ve learned:

Past achievements do not position you.

They help.

They open doors.

They build credibility.

But they don’t replace the need to re-position yourself when life rearranges you.

If life throws you onto a carousel — career shifts, leadership changes, personal upheaval — you don’t get to skip the rebuilding phase just because you’ve “done it before.” You have to rebuild again. From the ground up.

And yes — I’m up for it.

That’s how I’ve built what I am today: on a foundation of education, experience, relationships, resilience, and willingness to do the work again.

I’m not vanilla. I’m steel.

Why We Don’t Talk About Tough Subjects, Though

People don’t talk about their imposter feelings because they’re afraid it will undermine their authority. Especially leaders and executives.

But I’m not interested in hiding behind a polished, glamorous surface. I’m human. Highly skilled, well-trained, empathetic, honest, and self-aware.

Studies from Harvard Business Review and MIT Sloan show that leaders who acknowledge uncertainty and have gone through the reshaping are often:

More trusted by their teams
More adaptable in volatile environments
Better at long-term decision-making.

Confidence doesn’t come from pretending you’re unaffected. It comes from knowing you can navigate uncertainty without losing yourself.

This isn’t regression. It's recalibration. It’s leadership in motion.

Growth often feels unstable before it feels solid. And sometimes, even the most experienced people feel unanchored — not because they don’t belong, but because they’re stepping into something new.